At the beginning of 2010, I was living with my grandparents and parents in North Carolina. Now I am back up in New Hampshire, renting a room, and working at the local community college. I do like being back in New Hampshire, even if it is cold and there is snow.

Some things change. And some things stay the same. Just as when the year changes from 2010 to 2011, the year changes, but for the most part, things will stay the same.

What has made the end of this year great has been being able to spend it with friends. I have these friends that I went to school with, basically grew up with. We’ve been out of touch for the last few years, but have recently reconnected. I remember how I got through high school now.

And changes have even come with friends. Friends that I swore I’d be friends with years from now, I rarely talk to now. In a way, it’s kind of sad, but we are humans and we grow and change. In time, someone you thought you knew turns out to be someone you no longer can stand to be around. And sometimes, you become closer to someone you thought you’d never be able to stand for long periods of time.

Along with my old friends, I have a few new ones. I pretty much will consider someone a friend if I’ve talked to them more than once, and being around them doesn’t make me want to hit something. Pretty much, if I like you, then you are a friend. And those that know me well know it’s rare that I like someone enough to consider them a friend.

Change comes because of catalysts. The beginning of something. I firmly believe that the people that we let into our lives are catalysts for something. It might not be an immediate change, or event, but somewhere down the road, it happens.

We let people into our lives and we let people walk out of them. It’s probably one of the few things that we have control over, and at the same time, we don’t have any control over. People leave for various reasons, and sometimes we have to push them out for our own good.

Anyway, we are going into a new year, and I am bringing all of the knowledge that I gained this past year with me. I have learned how to stand up for myself, when to just go with it, and that it is okay to just admit that I can’t do something. I have learned that looking out for yourself is the smartest thing that you can do. And that sometimes we are faced with tough decisions where neither choice is a good one.

What are your thoughts about the past year? Made any tough decisions? Make any new friends?

I hope that everyone finds that 2011 is better than 2010. To all my friends – both the old ones and the new ones – and my family, I love you all. Let’s make this next year one to remember.

‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.
‘I don’t much care where –’ said Alice.
‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.
‘–so long as I get somewhere,’ Alice added as an explanation.
Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

- Look for work
- Go for a drive
- Think about things that don’t matter
- And then remember that they don’t matter, and wonder why
- Go to a park, pond, river, or forest and just sit and take it all in
- Dance
- Learn how to make a dollar worth more than a dollar
- Take a walk
- Go sit outside and feel the weather, even if it’s raining or snowing, but probably not if it’s lightning out
- Think abuot things that matter
- Realize that most of the things that seem like they are of great importance and matter, probably don’t matter, and wonder why
- Do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but nothing that would cause too much trauma
- Listen to music
- Volunteer
- Find a reason to smile
- Make someone else smile if you can’t make yourself
- Talk to friends
- Enjoy your free time, you’ll want it back later
- Sleep
- Write a list like this

So. The question is, what do I do now?

Option 1 – Try to get a job down here. Not something I want to do, nor is it easy to do.

Option 2 – Move up to New Hampshire. I’d need to find a place to stay while I looked for work.

Option 3 – Start traveling. I would like to just travel throughout the US, see new places, meet new people. There is just so much that I want to do.

Not sure what to do. Hopefully I can land more temp employment, or something. It kind of sucks because I only need to make another $1000 to reach my savings goal.

Well, watch out for more updates and blog entries. I have a few in the works.

I was scheduled to go to work today and I decided to try to call out. I don’t know about you but the one thing worse than having a cashier who doesn’t want to be there, is to have a cashier who is sick. Well, needless to say they weren’t happy. I had to talk to two different people, a manager who said that she couldn’t authorize call outs anymore and wanted to know why I was calling out around 11 when I was schedule at 1 and didn’t I think I was gonna be better by then? (Policy is that we have to call out 2 or more hours before our scheduled shift begins) The store manager wasn’t better. Wanted to know what was wrong. Then said that he’d rather I come in for three hours from 6-9 to help out since so many people are sick and have called out. I need to keep this job for a bit. So I agreed.

I was slightly upset with their tone. I could tell they thought I was just calling out and wasn’t really sick. Which seems to be a problem at our store, and I understand why they’d think that considering it’s Memorial Day Weekend. Still, I was peeved about it. My record is great, I’ve only had to go home once when my blood sugars suddenly dropped. Never been late, and haven’t called out once.

I would just not go in, but I’m so close to reaching my savings goal. I just hate it when you try to follow policy and the management acts like you must be lying or something because you are following it.

Anyway, I’ll stop before this I start going on a huge rant. I have a blog entry that I’ve been working on for a few days and hopefully will be up soon.

Until then, be good.

I went to work today only to be sent home after five hours. There was no one there. And really, even though you’re getting paid, standing around is not any fun. So I was happy to go home early.

I’m really tired right now. So I’ll write more later.

The more that I watch television the more I’ve started to realize that a good show has at least these two elements to it: it has good actors and it has good writers.

I’ve started to read again. Currently I’m reading Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman. I try to read at least one short story from the book a day. Most of the time during my lunch break. Last night, I ordered The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, which I’ve been meaning to read for a long time but have never gotten around to buying.

Lastly, I’ve been starting to write a bit as well. Nothing much, but at least I’m working on Artemis again. I was starting to get worried about it, as I decided to start rewriting it and then just didn’t feel like writing for a bit. I feel this story inside of me and it wants to get out.

I’ve also started to throw around some ideas for some projects that I’m working on with my sister. One of the problems that I’m finding is the fact that I don’t have a place to work where I can spread out and keep things out until I’m finished with the project. It sort of messes me up. I’m hoping I can find a way to work around this. Until then I’ll have to deal with what I can do.

That’s all for tonight. I bought a camcorder today so I may try to post a video tomorrow. If I can get it to work.

Being a cashier means that you are sometimes the first and only person that a customer has contact with while shopping in the store that you work at.  This means that sometimes, you become a punching bag for the customer.  It also means that sometimes, what you say will determine the entire shopping experience for the customer.  If you are having a bad day, you can’t let it show through, even if you have to deal with customers who themselves are having bad days and decide to take it out on you.

Another thing about being a cashier, you are generally in pain a lot and are tired.  Especially if you are doing it as a full time job.  The pain eventually goes away, but unless you are one of those people with endless amounts of energy, you are always tired.  And those days off cannot come soon enough.

Sometimes your schedule is the bad part of your job.  The more hours a day you are open to work, the more crazy your schedule can be.  In one week I may close two times, open once, and work the weird eleven to eight shift.  Some days are just stay at one register days, while others are ‘you need to cover breaks’ days.

In a nutshell, cashiering is never an easy job.

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One day I will go back and make the above better, or maybe it’s good as it is.  I’m not sure.  I do know that I’m tired.

I do have a few things that I want to write about on this blog, but I’m not done writing things down on them yet. It’s hard when you’re working almost full time to make the time to get some writing done. Especially when days off are filled with getting things done that you couldn’t do when working.

Just wanted to acknowledge the fact that this blog had moved.

More later.

I find that it’s hard to write when there are other people around. I need to have quiet and I also need to have a place to write that is not also the place where I sleep. I find that I am also easily distracted, people walking by, talking, the television being on, or one of the dogs barking easily derails my train of thought.

I tend to write my blog entries while sitting in the kitchen and it usually takes me anywhere between one to two hours in order to finish writing them. I have to think a lot about what I’m writing and how I want to say things.

To be honest, part of the reason why I struggle to write right now is the fact that I’m dealing with very strong relapse of depression. (Do I write that with a capital letter? I’m not talking about a case of the blues) I’ve been dealing with it for years but before I came down to North Carolina it was manageable, I thought that maybe I was finally coming out from under it. But now it’s gotten worse, I haven’t felt this bad in years, really since I was in high school.

It’s harder this time around because I feel so isolated, alone. There really isn’t anyone that I can just talk to without getting some sort of “be positive” or advice that I really am not looking for. It’s frustrating to hear that because in a way, it’s not that I don’t want to be positive, or whatever, it’s that I can’t be. And there is a difference. Sometimes, I just need to be able to talk. I’ve tried writing how I feel down, but it always seems to me to be petty and trite. I also find that when I write down how I feel, I seem to feel guilty for the feeling the way that I do, like I shouldn’t feel the way that I do because, you know, others have it so much worse.

Mostly, I find that the depression combined with my anxiety issues make me feel like I’m an observer, that I’m on the outside looking in. Like a child peering into a dollhouse that has been set up to imitate daily life. I feel like my life is passing me by and all I can do is watch it do so.

It has taken me about an hour and a half to finish writing this. Skimming it over briefly I feel that I have no right to publish this, I’ve written some things down that I don’t know if I want others to know. I feel like I shouldn’t write about my struggle with depression, like maybe it should be kept a secret, that there’s some shame in it. I don’t know where that comes from, because I’m an advocate for making these issues known and for increase talk about it. But I also believe in honesty. So I’m going to push the publish button.

Oh — Today is the National Day of Silence. For those who are participating in the silent protest to end bullying and hate, I respect you.

I interviewed last week at a home improvement store. It was a rushed end of the week, please meet with us tomorrow, deal. After having three interviews in one day, they said that they’d call me this week after my background check came back. This takes a few days, so I’m patiently waiting, but it’s hard to do. Especially right now, because I really need the money. My checking account is almost nothing.

I’ve also started to try to get some writing done. I’m finding that the problem is a lack of inspiration, motivation, and activity. I am starting to listen to music more, and I’m finding that I’m able to read more as well. Which is good. I write the best when I’m listening to music.

I have managed to really start on my Artemis rewrites. I know where I want to bring the story, and what I want to happen. It’s just a matter of writing it.

The biggest problem for me right now in trying to update this blog is that I have nothing to write about. The reasons why I’m not writing are basically the same every day.

I really could do with a place to work that wasn’t my room. Maybe someday soon.